I had a video Skype call with my friend, David in San Francisco. He asked me about my mood and I told him the truth that I had emotional ups and downs. And I talked about my visit with a psychiatrist so that she would do hypnotherapy regarding my somatization disorder and my psychology of having dealt with traumatic events such as rape and verbal and physical abuse which happened 20 years ago by repressing my feelings and disassociating myself with memories and feelings. Hopefully, that would be useful for helping me relieve physical symptoms such as body pain. My body immediately gets stiff carrying pain and pressure as soon as I think of and talk about traumatic events in the past or get reminded of such events by reading news articles or watching shows on TV or in movies. When I meet someone who carries a lot of anger, frustration, aggressive energy and negativity, it causes body pain in me and I get easily irritated and upset. I was afraid of making David feel uncomfortable by sharing these things with him. He has never experienced anything bad in his life. I am so glad and happy for him having such a blessed life. He almost always could’t feel any better. He’s always happy and well. He has a very difficult time understanding what I have been going through. Simply because he cannot relate to my feelings and experiences. I tell him not to feel bad about it at all and but to be okay with it. He would rather want me to tell him about my true feelings so that he could have a real relationship with me, not a fake one. I tell him to tell me his true feelings anytime. He sent me a nice email that he thinks I am a wonderful person and he loves me. What a nice friend I have across the oceans. It makes my heart feel warm. I feel loved by him. Thank you, David for being sincere, kind and loving to me.
I sometimes wonder whether I should share my true feelings with people or not. I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable or bad by sharing my true feelings that are not always positive. I sometimes deal with anger, shame, depression and such as it comes to me overwhelmingly which makes me feel helpless. I am learning to cope with it in a more controlled and positive way so that I will not feel helpless and unsafe any longer. I am no longer living with the abuser. I keep distance from my father for my mental wellness to keep me from any unwanted verbal and psychological abuse and anger from him. Nobody can harm me in any way. But there is a sense of fear and horror stored in my body system that often comes out and hits me. It’s 3:29 a.m. now and I will go to sleep. Slept all day because I was sick with runny nose, sneezing, headache and fever. I stayed in bed all day. I don’t feel terrible about being sick alone as I used to any longer. That’s progress. I emailed a couple of friends of mine in the U.S. that I was sick with a cold. They all emailed me back that they were hoping that I would get better. They are wonderful. I love them. S. sent me his photo fully dressed in a white shirt and dress pants. He looked very sharp, smart and handsome. I thought of running to him and kissing him at the airport if he came and that imagination put huge smile on my face. It made me feel good. So I kept doing it a couple of times. Smile was there. I was smiling almost all the time when I visited San Francisco Bay area. As soon as I returned to Seoul, my smile was all gone as before. My psychiatrist told me that I had power and potentials to smile big again no matter where I was. She told me to thin of a happy place that I could think of. I thought of the park by Fort Mason in San Francisco where I went almost every day when I lived there. Interestingly, physical symptoms of anxiety and fear after she asked me to talk about my rape experience were relieved. She told me about the power of my mind over my body. Psychological distress causes physical pain. That’s how I could put somatization disorder, simply. Time for bed now. Sleep tight and have sweet dreams this time. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. Hope remember my dream to write it up when I wake up. Ok, sleep……
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