I have not realized how many days passed me by since my last blog post. I did not honor my commitment to blogging every day. But I do not feel apologetic for it. I will start over my blogging again. There is always the second chance. Self-blame and punishment is never a good answer. It’s been quite challenging since I moved to a new studio in a new neighborhood. Besides that, I started seeing a new psychologist at Catholic sex crime counseling center and had my first clinical hypnosis with a psychiatrist who I recently met. Perhaps seeing three psychologists and one psychiatrist a week and going to a small group therapy meet-up has taken a toll on me. On top of that, one of a small group therapy meet-up member has used me as her therapist for 8-9 hours at a time the past few Sundays. Here it goes, my issue with rejection. I don’t know how to say “No” to those who ask me of help. Is it my rejection issue that I don’t want to be the one rejecting others as much as it has hurt me to be rejected? Looking back, I have not taken good care of myself both physically and emotionally. I won’t stop tiring myself until my body cannot bear it any longer. Yesterday was a good example. After my second counseling session in a day, I was on my way to the gym despite exhaustion telling myself that I should not make any excuses to skip the gym and I will start feeling less tired once I hit the gym. Then I fell asleep on the subway and convinced myself to go home to sleep early. I picked up three pumpkins and one red cabbage for the next few day-meals at the grocery store which were quite heavy for me to carry. I did not buy a plastic bag because I did not want to pay 10 cents for it. By the time I arrived at home, I literally passed out possibly before 5 p.m. and woke up at 9:30 a.m. this morning without waking up. Feeling much rested. I remember having bad migraine before sleep. It’s gone. There are 6 Kakaotalk messages from 6 people on my phone. Kakaotalk is the most popular SNS mobile app in Korea. Everybody was worried about me for not responding to their messages promptly which was unusual. If I do not respond to them within half an hour or so, some get worried and others get offended with feelings of rejection. I had turned off my mobile phone as well as my laptop because I did not want any distractions. I just wanted complete rest and get-away. It was more than just physical exhaustion to my realization. It’s all good now.
It’s important to be self-conscious and self-aware of my emotional and physical needs before I care for other’s because nobody else would care for me and I would be in a better place to take care of others’ needs in a healthier way. I need to be in good health with wellness to have better judgment and senses to make sound decisions and proper actions. It takes conscious efforts for me to carefully listen to my mind and heart because it gets easily ignored and forgotten even before I know it. Because my subconsciousness is used to doing it for nearly 40 years throughout my life. My emotional and physical needs were immediately and harshly ignored, unheard, taken care of and often punished for expressing them to my parents, major care-givers who abandoned and abused me with their mental illnesses. At a young age, I must have chosen to repress my physical and emotional needs and not to express them. Over time, I got used to it so long to a point that I was unable to acknowledge my needs after having them ignored and not taken care of. I have become used not acknowledging my physical and emotional troubles and needs until my body breaks down. My subconsciousness had developed psychosomatic disorder with a variety of symptoms from headache to stomachache with bloated belly that looked like a 3-4 month-pregnant body which got me worried seriously at some point in my 30ies. I had spent significant amount of money, time and energy on going to large medical centers and seeing specialists with symptoms that doctors were unable to diagnose, yet had refused to go see a psychiatrist because I didn’t want to have myself labeled as a mentally ill patient. Yes, I felt ashamed of seeing a psychiatrist who might diagnose me as a patient with mental sickness. I did not want my worries to become my reality because I was too afraid to deal with the reality. I was really hoping that I would be diagnosed with something that has nothing to do with mental illness so that I would not have to face the past traumatic experiences through counseling and treatments. My consciousness avoided such experiences yet it could not stop them from happening throughout my body which is called psychosomatic disorder to my understanding. I want this to stop and no longer want to suffer from the horror and terror caused by the past events in my life. I choose to be happy and to have power to take care of me both physically and emotionally. I want to find help to relieve unresolved psychological and emotional issues that have made negative impacts on myself and my life so that I can finally truly move forward. I was wrong that I was free from the abuse and harm from my parents and the rapist. Partially true that I have been physically away from them, but mostly untrue that I have been psychologically and emotionally seized, frozen, and overwhelmed by the experiences in shock. There have been all kinds of symptoms at all different forms and colors in the past 20 years or so which made it very difficult and challenging for me to pursue my study, career, and relationships with human-beings included friendship and romantic relationships. I have often failed in all areas of my life and have fallen very badly hitting the rock bottom leading to despair and depression. I have re-experienced the horror, helplessness, terror, and isolation over and over and have lived in shock. This has to end. I recently started working with psychologists and a psychiatrist as the first step. It has been difficult going through therapy and treatments as it is often making me feel terrified, however I keep telling myself not to give up. I crave intimacy, yet find it extremely difficult with intimacy when it is about to happen and somehow find a way to remove myself from it by running away. Let’s take the baby step and take one day at a time. As an example, let me go outside and feel the warm of sunshine with gratitude.
As of right now, I am glad and thankful for having not ended my life after I was nearly killed by domestic violence and rape. I choose to be happy with positive affirmations and to surround myself with those who support me, understand me and love me in order to build positive experiences in my life and to start making a huge hole in my heart smaller slowly and gradually. Patience.
Thank you for being alive at this moment.
Thank you for you.
You Are Not Alone 