It’s past midnight so I am 42 minutes behind. Sorry. I was busy chatting with S. He said “Hi!” to me on Skype to my surprise. I am usually the one saying “Hi!” to him without his timely response. Lucky!
Here is my history with S. I met S. last June in Palo Alto during the beginning of my third round trip to SF Bay area. I saw that he viewed my okcupid profile and messaged him. He messaged me back in a day and called my phone. He came by with a swim suit one afternoon. We swam in the pool and shared the salad I made by the pool. I fell in love with him at the first sight when I saw him at the door for the first time. We had a nice time. No kiss to my surprise. 99% of American men whom I have met tried to kiss me. Either S. was being shy or careful or he was not interested in me romantically or physically. We met once again over tea and nothing romantic happened even though if felt like it. He took me to the Half Moon Bay one Saturday morning. He picked me up at 6 a.m. to avoid the traffic and took a very long walk with me on the beach, just two of us for almost 2 hours. We found a tiny cave which was big enough for two of us to fit in. A perfect chance to kiss but nothing happened. I didn’t want to come off being overly confrontational or aggressive so said nothing. He dropped me off in Palo Alto and asked me if he could use the bathroom. He walked into my room and I asked him for back massage. I took off my shirts and he gave me wonderful massage on my back. No kiss. No hug. Nothing. I could not sleep that night so texted him asking him how come he didn’t kiss me. He sent me a long response past midnight that he didn’t want to get emotionally attached because he knew that I would have to leave for Korea after 3 months even though he would have wanted to get intimate with me. So I figured that he would not want to see me again. I went out on dates with men who I was not even really interested in so that I would force myself to get over the rejection and move forward only to find myself drained and discouraged physically and emotionally. S. and I met again about a month later and had a great time together. I wanted to kiss him and hoped that he would kiss me but nothing happened again. And he disappeared again. A few weeks passed by. We met again at the cafe and had a nice walk together. He invited me to the Water Course Way in Palo Alto for a privately reserved spa bathroom for two of us. We both got undressed and bathed next to each other without touching. I wanted to touch him and hoped that he would touch me. I didn’t make any moves and hoped that he would make the first move. Nothing happened. It made me want him even more with frustration. We finally kissed in his car at the drive way. The first kiss was short and the second one was long. I didn’t want our kiss to end. He left. I didn’t want him to leave. I said nothing to him because I didn’t want to be rejected by him to my face. He did not answer my phone call after that. I had a box of chocolate chip cookies that I baked for him with a letter and waited for him. I ended up throwing away the cookies and keeping that letter to myself. That was last September. I returned to Seoul in mid September. A month later, S. emailed me telling me that he had regret of having not explored a deeper and more romantic relationship with me when I was there. We started corresponding to each other via email slowly and having a video Skype call once a week or every other week. He told me how conflicted he was/is about his feelings for me. He didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship because of his fear that it did not work out in the past. He wanted to be close to someone he would care for. My feelings for S. were real but I could not ask him to be with me because of the distance which was out of my hands. And he talked about planning to come see me in Korea to my surprise. I could not understand why he would want to connect with me after all especially when I was in Korea. I was very confused. He could have dated me for full 3 months so that I would have not wasted my time with other men for nothing. In case you wonder, I did not have feelings for any other men but rather tried to make a relationship with emotionally unavailable or impossible men who were still around despite my trip back to Korea because I was too tired of being alone. Looking back, I did not truly love anybody but S. I tried to force myself being realistic by investing my time into available men with their time and energy for me than being idealistic by thinking of S. who was unavailable for me in distance. That really did not work out in the end and I ended up being in pain for damage control which took months for me to recover from depression.
Tonight, S. told me that he was also interested in exploring a deeper relationship with me. I totally did not expect to hear that from him. I started telling him how much I wanted to be with me and how hard it made me feel with emotional conflict. He has been thinking about it lately with realization that he has become more and more busy with his career and he would not have time for a normal romantic relationship. Most women would not want a relationship with him because he is too busy with his work and unavailable. Would that make him more positive about pursuing a long distance relationship with me because he is unavailable for a normal relationship with someone locally so that it wouldn’t really make any difference anyway for him despite our distance? He’s a software engineer using more logic than feelings unlike me. I was actually thinking about that, too. He is too busy with work anyway and has really no chance to date someone out there who would tolerate his unavailability. He is too busy to date and build a relationship when he works for 12 hours, goes to bed by 9 or 10 p.m. and gets up at 4 or 5 a.m. He lives with his mother in her studio paying her rent and sleeping on the floor to save money. He wants to buy her a house in 2 years when she gets retired in Seattle and plans on living and working overseas. He’s focusing on building his career and saving money for that. He talked about coming to Korea and living and working with me as a possibility. Well, I asked him to choose Korea and he said yes. We both like each other, find each other very attractive and enjoy each other’s company. If/when we are living in the same geographic area, nothing should stop us from being in a relationship, should it? I refuse to be his platonic roommate. So should he! He is going to write me a letter to respond to my last email. I confessed that he was the one and only man in the universe whom I loved and wanted to let him know that because there might not be tomorrow and it might be the only chance I got. It may sound a bit dramatic but I did want to let him know that I had special feelings for him and I was in love with him. I also expressed my emotional conflict with my unrequited love knowing he was unwilling to try out a relationship with me because of long distance. For me, it’s the person whom matters the most, not other conditions. He’s the most handsome, attractive, charming and beautiful man in the universe to me. Yes, I am crazy about him and am into him. Every time I look at his photo and his face on Skype/FaceTime, my heart beats fast with excitement. I get hypnotized. It’s real and rare. I know it’s special. It’s more than just lust. It’s the combination of his personality, energy, interactions with me, demeanor, voice, and physique. Much more than I could explain. I am so very interested in getting to know him, spending more time with him and getting close to him. I want to touch him, smell him, kiss him, listen to his heart beat and breathing, and just be next to him. This romantic love is crazy, I understand. I want to possess him in an exclusive relationship. But not in a crazy possessive scary kind of way. He promised me not to disappear again like he did before. He told me that he couldn’t promise to make me always happy but to try. That made me feel very warm. I told him that I promised to try to make him happy but couldn’t promise to make him always happy, either. I cannot make myself happy all the time so how could I make someone else always happy? Besides, he’s over 5,700 miles away from me. He has been too busy to do anything included dating and came to his conclusion that he was unable to have a normal relationship with the local woman anyway so decided to explore our relationship further. I hope he can come visit me soon. He started a new job this week and would need to get approval from his boss to take a 2 week-trip to Seoul.
I have to get up in 6 hours. I’ve got an appointment at 10 a.m. with Catholic psycho-spiritual counselor. Look forward to it. I want to be there on time for the first time. I was late for an appointment 4 times in a row. Sleep soon!
Whomever is reading this post, peace be with you. Thank you for listening to me.
Hugs with love,
G.
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You Are Not Alone 